Secrets of the Akatsuki
by MistyxKisame
Summary: Pein finds out about a new show all about the Akatsuki and decides to show the members an episode to scare them, however there's always few who don't listen or don't care.


Pein rubbed his forehead as he cut off his microphone. He had just asked all of the Akatsuki members to assemble in the meeting hall. He had just discovered something that would (and should) shock them all as well as embarrass the crap out of them too. Once everyone was seated, Pein looked at them all and sighed.

"Now, I know you're all wondering why I called you here…"

"Not really…" said Hidan bored.

"…but in a minute you will all see." said the orange haired man, ignoring Hidan's interruption. "Now, for the past few weeks there has been a show on TV called, "Secrets of the Akatsuki" and…well…it ain't good…just see for yourselves…warning this will shock and disturb you."

"A show about us?" Deidara looked only a little worried. "Are you sure this isn't some kind of prank?"

"No. Its no joke, Deidara. Now everyone pay close attention." Pein pulled out a remote and pressed a button, which made the lights turn off and a screen drop down. A few seconds later, it turned on revealing a raven haired woman with sunglasses and a fake beard.

"Hello, everyone and welcome to Akatsuki Secrets! I'm your hostess Abby B. Clint here with your daily report." A screen popped up with a picture of Sasori and Deidara just sitting around. "Today's report is about Deidara and Sasori, the dynamic art duo! Deidara was working on a new form of art using the most cheapest of clays, probably because he doesn't have much experience with his art, which somehow causes it to explode."

"HEY! I use a jutsu, you bitch! Get your damn facts straight!"

"His partner is a puppet and possible sex doll…"

Here Sasori was stared at by everyone in the room. More than anything else in the world, he hated being called a doll, let alone a sex doll. Meanwhile Abby continued. "That's right folks. We have reason to believe that Deidara of Iwakugare and Sasori of the Sand Village are in a homosexual relationship! Here's ace reporter Kazumi Takimi with more details."

"Like Miss Clint just said, we have a reason to believe that these two…er…"people" have been in a very homosexual relationship and we have evidence." said a man in a black dog mask with a trench coat while in front of a large screen. The man stepped aside and pointed to the screen. On the screen was Deidara who was in front of Hiruko with his hand on his shoulders and from where the camera was positioned, it looked like Sasori's mouth was on…

"Oh hell no!" Deidara looked horrified as everyone looked at both him and Sasori. "I-I WAS JUST HELPING SASORI WITH HIRUKO!"

"I don't know. It kinda looks like he's blowing you." Hidan smirked.

"I swear! I was just holding the shoulders while he was positioning the head from the inside! I-I swear!"

"We fucking believe you." said Hidan sarcastically.

"But I was!" Deidara pouted.

"You don't believe that? Then look at this!" the screen then showed a red head that looked like Sasori with his ass in the air. Someone with long blonde hair grabbed it and started to pull the red head's pants down. Upon pulling them down, a heavy blur was placed over his genitals.

"That is not me!" Deidara squeaked as the Deidara on the screen began to do very heavy censored intimate scenes with the Sasori look-a-like.

"It looks a lot like Sasori and you." said Konan.

"I would NEVER do that with him of all people!" Sasori growled, looking embarrassed. 'My grandmother probably had a heart attack if she ever saw this…bull shit!'

"Pretty juicy right?" Takimi laughed. "Well this next story is a good one too in my opinion."

A picture of Hidan picking his nose was shown onscreen. "Hidan, the Jashinist and only overly religious frantic and the most judgmental of this organization, picks his nose. Yes, the very same jackass who was telling off Tobi for crunching his chips a little too loudly was picky his own bloody nose!"

The video of Hidan started playing with him picking his nose on the couch. After finding a good sized one, he looked at it and wiped on the couch. He did this about 3 more times before sneezing and getting a good chunk of snot on the couch (EW!) and then rubbed his nose on a pillow on the couch, but not before blowing his nose on it.

"YOU NASTY PIECE OF SHIT!" Konan looked disgusted.

The video fast forwarded it with Hidan watching TV for a few minutes before turning it off and leaving. Kisame came in a few minutes later and sat down, but his arm didn't touch the couch arm where Hidan had wiped his booger it. A few more seconds of fast forwarding and Deidara sat down too.

**"Whatcha watchin'?' asked the bomber after the video played normally.**

**"Shark week…" **

**"So…is this like porn for you?" **

**"What? No! I'm waiting for my show to come on." Kisame laughed nervously. "I don't watch porn."**

**"Mm-hm…" said Deidara looking skeptical. **

**"I don't…" the shark said refusing to look at Deidara. "Don't give me that look. I don't watch porn. I don't even read it."**

**"Liar…Itachi told me about your porn collection and how he burned it all…" he smirked.**

**"HE WHAT?!" Kisame ran out of the room. Deidara laughed.**

**"I just didn't want him to know I watch Ayumi Wonder: Magical Girl Fantasy…" Deidara turned the tv until there was a 12 year old girl was dressed up as a fairy princess . "GOOOO, AYUMI-CHAN! YEAH! KICK HIS ASS!"**

**"Itachi just kicked my ass because of y…what the heck are you watching?"**

**"N-nothing!" Deidara had turned the tv.**

**"Was that…" Kisame and Deidara's eyes meant brieftly before he took off running. The bomber jumped over the couch and took off after him.**

"Wow…how embarrassing." laughed Abby. "Here's more footage of the akatsuki."

Another video popped up with Sasori and Deidara's room which had 6:45 am. The blonde was shirtless and doing sit ups while Sasori was writing in what looked like a journal. After a minute, Deidara got up and started flicking his partner's ear.

**"Stop that."**

**"Nope…"**

**"Why are you doing that?"**

**"'Cuz I wanna." Deidara said bored.**

**"I swear, if you don't stop, I'll…" Sasori stopped talking when Deidara started spinning his head. Suddenly a puppet burst of the closet, grabbed Deidara, opened its chest, tossed him inside and headed back inside the closet. "Good, my security puppet does work."**

_8:30 am_

**Sasori had finally finished writing in his diary when Deidara burst out of the closet. Upon getting up, he shook an angry fist at his partner. "COCK SUCKER, UN!"**

**"Takes one to know one." he said calmly before walking out of the room.**

**"Fuck you too, asshole…" suddenly the bomber realized what he had meant. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME, UN?!"**

**Deidara then jumped up and ran out of the room. **

_12:30 pm_

**Deidara had come inside the room followed by Hidan, Konan, and Tobi. "Remember be quiet. That puppet might come out."**

**"What the fuck ever!" Hidan rolled his eyes. "Let's just get this shit over with. I got some juicy shit to get out."**

**"EW!" said Tobi.**

**"Not literally, asshole!" said Hidan.**

**All four of them sat down on the floor. Deidara then said, "Soooo. Who wants to go first…wait, where's…"**

**"On a mission and I'll go first." said Konan. "Guess who's shaved genitals I saw?"**

**"Who?" everyone said. **

**"Pein's!"**

**"Oh snap!" everyone said. **

**"He probably shaves because he's got crabs." said Hidan.**

**"Good one, Konan." said Tobi scribbling down what Konan said since he was the official secretary. **

**"Write down the crabs one too." added the albino.**

**"But we don't know if…"**

**"WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN!"**

Pein looked at Hidan and Konan who were under the table.

**"Tobi's turn! Tobi's turn!" Tobi pulled out a box. "Guess what I found in senpai's room?"**

**He opened up the box revealing some gay porno magazines and a deflated sex doll with a strapon on top it. Everyone said, "Oh snap!" once more and each grabbed a magazine. Hidan shook his head. "How fucking sad. Poor fucker can't even get dick."**

**"What a loser. I bet he lives with his mom. You need a new senpai, Tobi." said Konan.**

**"Yeah, what a lo…" Deidara shut up suddenly and had the face of someone who had just realized something horrible. "Uh, let's move on!"**

**He quickly took all of the magazines and stuffed them inside the box. Noone (except Tobi and Deidara) knew why he did it, but shrugged it off. It was now Hidan's turn. He pulled out a large suitcase and opened it revealing a large amount of money. Everyone oohed and aaahed, except Konan.**

**"Where'd you get all that money from Hidan?" she asked raising a brow.**

**"From Leader-sama and Kakuzu's vacation stash." the albino giggled. "I saw 'em that shit hiding underneath that rock shaped like a dick. I've been taking that shit for ages."**

**"On the rock?" asked Tobi.**

**"NOT SHIT, YOU FUCKER! THE MONEY!" yelled the albino.**

Here Pein and Kakuzu looked at each other. "I thought it was you for a minute." said Pein.

"Same here." said the miser shaking his head. "Now we've really gotta hide the money somewhere else…"

"We'll talk about it later…WHERE THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, YOU ALBINO THIEF!" yelled the orange haired man, glaring at the priest who was trying to sneak out of the room. Hidan sighed and sat back down, mumbling under his breath. "Shut the hell up over there."

**"How much is in there? It looks like a lot." said the bomber, eyeballing the money and wondering what the albino was going to do with the cash.**

**"Over $5,000." Hidan smirked.**

**"Dang! How'd you'd you get away with that!" Tobi said in awe.**

**"Easy…I've been taking a little bit at a time…aaand planting some evidence that someone else stole it, aka fuckface and old man Jenkins."**

**"What are you planning to do with the money?" asked the purple haired woman curiously and the other two members nodded.**

**"I'm planning on…well it's a fucking secret." **

**"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN IT'S A…" Everyone covered up Deidara's mouth and looked at the closet where the secrutity puppet was. When everyone uncovered his mouth, he whispered, "What the hell do you mean it's a fucking secret?"**

**"He's right. It's a secret club for a freakin' real!"**

**"Member Hidan is a dirty secret keeper…" said Tobi as he scribbled something down.**

**"AM NOT, FUCKFACE!" Hidan whispered loudly. "Fine. It's a surprise then."**

**"That's slightly better." said Konan.**

**"Next time we meet up, I'll tell you. I'm still setting it up the prank right now, so have some fucking patience!" Hidan rolled his eyes.**

**"I guess it's my turn now." Deidara went over to his desk drawer, pulled out a small box, and sat down with it. "I found out the juiciest secret the Club of Secrecy has ever seen! It's going to top everything everyone in this club has ever seen!"**

**"What?" asked everyone leaning in closer.**

**"Sasori and Orochimaru…"**

Suddenly, Sasori started coughing really really REALLY loudly causing everyone to look at him. Pein looked at him and paused the video. "Are you okay, Sasori?"

The puppet master coughed repeatedly. "I think **_*cough*_** something **_*cough*_**in my **_*cough cough*_** my throat!"

"Then go get some water then." said Pein.

Everyone couldn't help but to notice that Sasori (inside of Hiruko of course) left rather quickly. The orange haired man then rewinded and then resumed the video. "…used to date!"

Everyone (both onscreen and offscreen) gasped loudly. There were a lot of "HOLY SHIT!", "WTF", and "OMG" amongst the members. No one had ever expected the two to have been together and it shocked them. Even Itachi looked surprised.

**"Holy cow! Really!" said Konan gasped onscreen. "Since when?"**

**"Back in the old days when he was still in the organization. Look!" Deidara placed down the box.**

Everyone started looking at the picture. The video switch angles, allowing the viewers to take a look at the different photos. There was even one where Orochimaru was wearing a thong. A lot of the members went green in the face while Kisame tossed his cookies and Itachi was covering his eyes, which were bleeding.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT THE FUCK OFF!" Hidan yelled as the video continued to show pictures of the man various clothing. "I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT SHIT A SECOND TIME!

"PLEASE!" everyone shouted.

Pein was happy to obey and quickly forwarded the video until the photos were put away the second time.

**"That was…uh…pretty juicy…I guess." said Konan looking a little sick.**

**"Especially since that booty was pretty juicy." said Hidan who was looking a little paler than usual. "I will never get that old ass outta my fucking head. Thanks a fucking lot, asshole!'**

**"Well that's enough secrets for today." Deidara put away the box. "Meeting of The Club of Secrecy adjured!"**

"And that's all for today folks." said Abby once the video had stopped. "I'm Abby Clint and tune in tomorrow for more Secrets of the Akatsuki!"

The video then ended. Pein stood up. "So does anyone know what this means?"

"Someone's going to be severly punished and/or eaten?" said Zetsu.

"No…well yes and no…it means we have to avoid doing anything embarrassing until we find out who those people are. That means that anything you wouldn't do in public, you don't do here either!" said Pein. "Everyone understand?"

Everyone nodded. "Good. Everyone…Get the fuck out. I can't stand looking at most of you right now."

Everyone left the room, with majority of them running out of the room. Pein sighed. Hopefully, after seeing that embarrassing display, they wouldn't do anything…however deep in his gut, he knew someone was going to attempt to do something stupid and get it on TV.


End file.
